Diaries Left, With Cryptic Entries
by RobieStorm
Summary: A Tragedy occurs at Hogwarts, and the only clue as to why is a small journal, written in a red haired boys neat hand. Warning: Heavy Angst, suicide, strong language, and slash feelings.
1. A Tout Le Monde: A Friend's Goodbye

"A Tout Le Monde" is copyright Dave Mustaine and is performed by the band Megadeth. All the usual things apply. All characters and settings, save the ones you don't know, are copyright J.K. Rowling. This story contains heavy angst, death, and instances of suicide. Also, as with all of my fan fiction, there are slash instances. If you don't like any of this, don't read it. I don't appreciate Flames, so don't give me them. Constructive criticism is fine however. Alright then, on with the show…..

**__**

A Tout Le Monde

The castle was cold and dark as he climbed the long ascent into the school's highest tower. A shaky hand reached up to wipe the salty tears that stained his face. He had been putting this off for too long as it was. No matter how high his fears were, he had to do this tonight. 

__

Don't remember where I was,

When I realized life was a game.

The more seriously I took things,

The harder the rules became.

Long, lonely nights had been spent laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking back on his life. A series of still photographs and sad memories would flash before his eyes. In all of his loneliness, he could never see any of the happy memories, only the hurt and pain. Now as he was making his way into the room at the top of the Astronomy Tower and out onto the ledge beyond the window, he was numb. There was no pain, no feeling. Only eternity awaited as he looked down over the edge, shivering against the cold night air.

__

I had no idea what it'd cost,

My life passed before my eyes.

I found out how little I'd accomplished,

All my plans denied.

One final tear was shed from closed eyes, and he took that final step. As he plummeted towards the school ground below one thing remained in his mind. A pair of haunting emerald eyes were burned into the core of his brain. It was with these eyes burning behind his own that he hit the ground with a final, resounding thud. All of his pain and torment finally was ended. Ron Weasley was dead.

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So as you read this,

Know my friends,

I'd love to stay with you all.

Please smile when you think of me.

My body's gone, that's all…..

It was late in the morning when Harry awoke. He sat up and looked around the empty dormitory, wondering why everyone else was gone but he was allowed to sleep. He stumbled out of bed and changed his clothes, stopping momentarily at his mirror to try and tame his eternally unruly hair. No luck, as usual. He slipped out of the dorm room, thinking it odd once more that Ron had not awakened him that morning. If he had stopped to look at his bedside table, the boy would have noticed a note, written in Ron's neat hand. Although it was written in French, the meaning behind the words, along with the tear stains on the parchment, would have said what was needed to say….

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A Tout Le Monde,

A Tout Mes Amis,

Je Vous Aime.

Je Dois Partir.

These are the last words,

I'll ever speak.

They'll set me free…..

……….. And following was only Ron's Signature.

The sight that greeted Harry as he came to the wide entry hall was a grim one. All around were his fellow classmates with horrified looks on their faces. Most of the girls were crying, as well as a few of the guys. Seamus Finnigan was in a corner, losing whatever breakfast he had eaten, poor Neville had fainted. Even Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle looked upset. Harry, dumbfounded slowly made his way over to Hermione, and asked her in a soft voice what had happened. She slowly looked up at Harry and promptly burst into tears, burying her face into another student's chest. 

As Harry stood, even more confused than he was before, he felt a gentle hand come to rest upon his shoulder. As he turned around, he found himself looking up at the headmaster, Professor Dumbledore, who was joined by both professors Mcgonagal and Snape. Dumbledore's face was as white as a sheet and he wore a grave expression. "Harry," he said, his voice very soft and gentle, "Something most unfortunate happened last night….."

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If my heart was still alive, 

I know it would surely break .

And my memories left with you, 

There's nothing more to say.

As Dumbledore told him what had transpiredthe previous night, all of the color slowly drained from Harry's face and his legs gave out. He collapsed hard onto the stone floor beneath him. This couldn't be true. There was no way that what they were saying to him was the truth. "H….he can't be… dead…." He murmured in a voice that was utterly broken and defeated. 

The headmaster bent down and slowly helped Harry to his feet. The poor boy looked up at the old wizard, tears welling up in his emerald green eyes. "I think," Said the headmaster, "It would be best if you went back to your dormitory and rested, Harry." And he looked up to the rest of the traumatized throng. "Classes are hereby cancelled for the rest of the week. I suggest we all take a bit of time to remember."

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Moving on,

Is a simple thing .

What it leaves behind is hard .

You know the sleeping,

Feel no more pain,

And the living are scarred…

Harry made his way into his dormitory scarcely able to see. His eyes were so badly welled up with tears. He took a seat on the edge of his bed, looking over to the empty one beside his, the one that had once been the home of his best friend. The bed Ron would never sleep in again. It was then that Harry found the small scrap of parchment upon his bedside table. He picked it up and slowly began to read, and although he didn't speak a word of French, a voice inside his head spoke softly to him, translating his best friends dying words….

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A Tout Le Monde, (To All The World,) 

A Tout Mes Amis, (To All My Friends,) 

Je Vous Aime. (I Love You.) 

Je Dois Partir. (I Have To Leave.) 

These are the last words,

I'll ever speak. 

They'll set me free .

He stood on shaky legs and made his way over to Ron's bed, falling onto it and burying his face in the red-head's pillow. How was he going to manage without Ron? Why did Ron have to leave him? At the moment, everything seemed in vain. The battles with Voldemort, his years with the Dursley's, every Quidditch trophy he had ever won, were all worthless now. He'd trade anything he had just to have Ron back again. "It's not fair…" His voice was a harsh whisper amidst the sobs coming from within his chest.

__

So as you read this,

Know my friends,

I'd love to stay with you all.

Please smile when you think about me.

My body's gone, that's all…..

A Tout Le Monde,

A Tout Mes Amis,

Je Vous Aime.

Je Dois Partir.

After about an hour, the sobs that had painfully wracked his body began to subside and his tears slowly dried. Now he just lay there, as helpless and weak as a newborn child. He moved his hand up underneath the pillow his head was on and found something hard. 

__

These are the last words…

"What's this?" his voice was soft, weakened by the sobs. He slowly sat up, pulling the object in question out from it's hiding place. It was a leather bound book, a bit tattered as it looks like it had been previously owned before it came into Ron's possession. It didn't take Harry long to realize that what he held in his hands, was Ron's Journal.

__

I'll ever speak….

He slowly turned the book over in his hands and wiped away at a few fresh tears that were running down his cheeks. Slowly, he opened the cover of the journal and was greeted with a picture of he and Ron, standing outside the Hogwarts express on their way to school. The figures in the picture smiled happily and waved at him. With a sad smile he halfheartedly waved back. 

In the vain hope that the journal may lend a bit of insight as to why Ron had done what he did, Harry settled back into Ron's bed, turned the page to the first entry, and began to read.

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They'll Set Me Free.


	2. Invisible Man: Journal Entry 1

"Invisible Man" is © Dane DeViller, Sean Hosein, and Steve Kipner. It is performed by the group 98 Degrees and can be found on their self titled debut album. For a long time, this song has had special meaning to me, and has been designated one of my songs, for much the same reason it's being used here. As usual, if you have read my stories before, all the same disclaimer's apply. This is a Slash Fic. If you have a problem with it, don't read it, I don't respond to Flames. Please read and review! Reviews keep me writing. All characters and settings contained herein are © J.K. Rowling, save those you don't recognized. Alright enough of my rambling, on with the Story…

**__**

Invisible Man

I sit here, Every day. I watch him. Quietly longing to hold him in my arms. It seems kind of funny if you ask me, that I, who have loved him for all of these years, should be the only one he doesn't see. It's kind of hard to watch him, as he is steadily falling for her, knowing inside how much I love him, but not being able to say a word. I don't want to scare him, or ruin any of his chances.

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You can hardly wait to tell all your friends,

How her kisses taste sweet like Wine.

And how she always makes your heart skip a beat,

Every time She walks by….

And if you're feeling down,

She'll pick you up.

She'll hold you close,

When you're making love.

She's everything you've been dreaming of…

Oh Baby…

It's almost commons knowledge that they've had sex. Not that it's a big deal, But I, being his best friend, was the one who got to hear every detail. How wonderful it felt, how beautiful she looked in the candle light, and how nice it felt when she held him after the act was over. I kept my cool, which was a hard thing to do, considering I felt like I was going to cry. It was in that moment that I knew I hated her. I wanted so much to be the one to hold Harry after making love to him. I wanted to be the one to hold him no matter what the situation.

I see them in the halls all the time… the way he looks at her… the look of pure and unadulterated love within those amazingly green eyes. I'd give anything if, just once, those eyes… those beautiful eyes, would share that look with me.

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I wish you'd look at me that way,

Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine,

Telling me more than any words can say…

But, you don't even know I'm alive…

Baby to you, 

All I am,

Is the Invisible Man.

Coming back from class, I stopped to see them talking in the hall. I snuck a little closer so I could hear their conversation, so that maybe I could see what has him so hypnotized by her. They were talking about absolutely nothing. There were moments when neither one of them spoke at all. I don't understand it really. How can someone be so wrapped up in a conversation that doesn't even count as a conversation. I guess maybe it's just the fact that they're together. That they're sharing time with each other. I wish I knew the feeling… but I have a feeling I never will.

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You probably spend hours in the halls,

Talking 'bout nothing at all.

It doesn't matter what the conversation,

Just as long as she's there.

Lost in a love so real,

And so sincere.

You wipe away each other's tears.

Your face lights up,

Whenever she appears…

Oh Baby…

Every time I talk to him, all I hear about is how wonderful she is, how she makes him feel, And it's so hard for me to sit there and listening to him. I find myself having to stare at his nose so I don't make eye contact with him. I'm afraid that if he looks in my eyes, he'll see everything, and that will be the end of our friendship. Even still, without looking in his eyes, I find I have to bite my lip, sometimes so hard it draws blood, to keep myself from screaming out the three words I long to tell him. 

He told me once that he felt so comfortable around her that he cried. I don't remember what exactly the reason he had to cry, but I remember how he said that she held him close and she gently touched his face, wiping away his tears. All I could think about was all the times I had done the same for him. All the quiet times at night when he woke up in tears and the only way I could calm him was to hold him and rock him gently. To tell him it would all be ok. To wipe away his tears. Now that she was here, did that mean nothing? Did that mean that he didn't need me anymore. I just don't know. I always thought that we'd be friends forever, and that maybe, possibly, he loved me too. I mean there were times when I would look in his eyes, And I swore I could see a small spark of something. I guess I must have been mistaken….

__

I wish you'd look at me that way,

Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine,

Telling me more than any words can say…

But, you don't even know I'm alive…

Baby to you, 

All I am,

Is the Invisible Man.

Forever Confused,

Ronald Weasley.


	3. Winter: Journal Entry 2

"Winter" is © the great goddess Tori Amos. It can be found on the albums "Little Earthquakes" and "Tales of a Librarian" as well as the "Winter" single and numerous other singles as a B-side. It is my all time favorite Tori song and is absolutely beautiful. If you hadn't heard it, I fully suggest either downloading it, stealing it from a friend, or buying one of the albums mentioned above. Ok, usual disclaimers apply. Chars and settings © J.K. Rowling save ones you don't know. Slash content, problem? Don't read. Ok, I guess that's it… thank you for flying church of England. (don't ask)

**__**

Winter

It's hard for me to say just when I began to lose my grip. Looking back, as I sit here, I wonder just where my life started to go wrong. It did go wrong… Very wrong. This is not where I planned to be. This is not who I want to be… Jealous….

Alone…..

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Snow can wait, 

I forgot my mittens. 

Wipe my nose, 

Get my new boots on.

I get a little warm in my heart,

When I think of winter.

I put my hand in my father's glove…

It's snowing outside. I smile in spite of myself seeing the small crystals fall to the waiting earth. Memories flood my head. Memories of happier times. Snowball fights with my brothers (Ginny wasn't born yet), Dad walking with me. He always held my hand so tightly, to keep me close. To keep me safe. To keep me from falling. 

I'm falling now, Dad, but I don't think you'll be able to catch me this time.

__

I run off where the drifts get deeper.

Sleeping Beauty trips me with a frown.

I hear a voice,

"You must learn to stand up for yourself,

Cause I can't always be around…."

He says…

Lately, with Hermione busy with her studies and Harry off somewhere with Cho, there doesn't seem to be ANYONE here to catch me as I fall farther down this spiral. I know they can't always be here, but it would be nice if they were here at least some of the time. I'm alone… More alone than I have ever been. And it's beginning to scare me.

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When you gonna make up your mind?

When you gonna love you as much as I do?

When you gonna make up your mind?

Cause things are gonna change so fast. 

All the white horses are still in bed.

I tell you that I'll always want you near. 

You say that things change,

My dear…

I remember a time when the three of us were inseparable. We did almost everything together. Now we've never got time for each other anymore. Which is all fine and good for them. I mean, Hermione's in love with school, so not seeing her friends isn't really a big deal to her, and Harry has Cho, which seems to make the rest of the world melt away. Who do I have? No one… and as if that wasn't enough pain, I still have to see the two of them together everywhere I look. When you feel unwanted and alone, the feeling is only worsened by seeing the one you love blissfully happy with someone else. Why is it that I've been here all this time, right in front of him, but she's the one he chooses? I don't understand…

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Boys get discovered as winter melts,

Flowers competing for the sun.

Years go by and I'm here still waiting,

Withering,

Where some snow man was…

I try and tell myself that everything will work out in the end, but, for the first time ever, I can't see any happy ending ahead for me. It's getting to the point where I don't even know who I am. Am I really the spiteful, jealous person I see when I look in the mirror? I don't know anymore. I wish M\my prince charming would come and take me away from this, but I know, for some reason, that he isn't ever going to come. I wish my dad was here now to hold my hand….

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Mirror, Mirror,

Where's the crystal palace?

But I only can see myself,

Skating around the truth who I am…

But I know, Dad, 

The ice is getting Thin….

I was always told to be myself, because if a person couldn't love me for who I was, than they didn't deserve me. How can I be myself when I don't even know who the hell that is. And, besides, what has being myself gotten me this far? Nothing but a lot of confusion and a shit load of pain. There were so many times where I would catch him looking at me out of the corner of my eye, and I would almost swear that there was something at least akin to love dwelling behind those Emerald eyes. Perhaps he's just confused about who he is, like I am? Maybe he just has to make up his mind on what he truly wants. Or maybe I'm just deluding myself.

__

When you gonna make up your mind?

When you gonna love you as much as I do?

When you gonna make up your mind?

Cause things are gonna change so fast. 

All the white horses are still in bed.

I tell you that I'll always want you near. 

You say that things change,

My dear…

Some times I tell myself that if I just wait, he'll realize that he really does love me. That I'm the one he wants and not that bitch. I've been waiting seven years for him to even notice my feelings for him, and he seems just as blind as ever. If I keep waiting, I'm going to end up gray haired and alone, crying out my shoulda coulda woulda's into the night with no one to hear me scream. They say that love is worth waiting for, but is it really worth setting aside your dreams, your hopes, and you desires, waiting for something that may never come?

__

Hair is Grey and the fires are burning.

So many dreams on the shelf.

You say I wanted you to be proud of me.

I always wanted that myself….

I suppose I should stop waiting and try to focus on other things, but I don't see how I will be able to do that when he's everywhere. In my classes, in the Great Hall at meals, in the bed next to me.. Well, in the bed next to me when he doesn't sneak off at night to be with her. I feel like the straggler in a stampede, being left behind by the rest for the wolves to get. Right now, even a wolf would be better than being here in this hellish prison alone. I just wish he'd remember my existence, and maybe tell me that he cares, or that he's there for me. I wish he'd tell me that he loves me, and that he always has. I guess I must be wishing on the wrong star.

__

When you gonna make up your mind?

When you gonna love you as much as I do?

When you gonna make up your mind?

Cause things are gonna change so fast. 

All the white horses have gone ahead.

I tell you that I'll always want you near. 

You say that things change,

My dear…

Always Waiting,

Ron Weasley

__

Never Change.


	4. Hero: Journal Entry 3

"Hero" is (c) its authors and in performed by Scott Kroeger of Nickleback and Josie Scott of Saliva. It can be found on the original motion picture soundtrack to the movie "Spiderman." As usual, all the normal disclaimers apply.  Characters and Settings (c) J.K.Rowling, save the ones you don't know. Slash content, blah blah blah, you know the drill. And without further ado... on with the show.

**_Hero_**

**__**

_I am so high, I can hear Heaven..._

            Sitting up here, it's amazing how clear the night is, or how far you can see. As I look up to the night sky, I would almost swear I can see angels hiding behind the sparse clouds. I close my eyes and I can almost hear them singing. I've been coming up here to the Astronomy tower every night for the past few months, and looking over the edge, it amazes me how high up I really am. 

_I am so high, I can hear Heaven..._

            The nights have been rather cold, but, inside, I feel so much colder. Numb to the world around me, I feel at one with the world here, at one with myself. The twisted longings in my brain seem to ease, if only for a few hours. Some nights, I whisper to the angels above me playing in the clouds, to ease my pain, to ease this horrible suffering that burns through my heart, mind, and body. No matter how hard I pray, no ease ever comes. I am beginning to think that the ground below me may not really be that far away.

_Whoa, but Heaven..._

_No, Heaven don't hear me..._

            About a week ago, I was up here, and I could see them below. So blissful, making love in the frosty rose garden below. Of course, they had no idea that they were being watched, just the two of them. I hated her more than ever then, hated both of them really. They looked so happy, so warm, the heat from their bodies and their lustful act to keep them warm against the frozen night. The bitter cold has become the only friend that my cold, lonely heart knows now adays. 

_And they say ,_

_That a hero could save us._

_I'm not gonna stand here and wait..._

            He was once my hero, the only one who could save me from anything that came along. And now, as I sit up here, knowing that he's there with her, I hate him. I hate him for forgetting me. I hate him for loving her. I hate him for letting me fall as far as I have. He was the one who was always supposed to be there to catch me when I fell. He was my Superman, my one chance at a life better than I have. And now... that's all gone. I suppose that's the problem with heroes. Sooner or later you come to depend on them, and then, one day they stop showing up when they're supposed to.

_I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles, _

_Watch as we all fly away._

            I wonder if I reached for those clouds, and jumped from that ledge, if maybe, just maybe I would be able to fly away from this. Like some great bird flying from it's nest as it burned to the ground. I wonder if those Angels I see playing hide and seek in the clouds would catch me and take me in. If they would love me the way I've always been told I deserve.

_Someone told me, _

_Love would all save us..._

_But, how can that be? _

_Look what love gave us..._

            I've always believed that when nothing else could help, love would one day save me. Keep me from being alone and make everything alright, no matter how bad things really were. Now as I look at where I am right now, All I know is that love is nothing but pain. An exquisite spell, sharper than any razor, more powerful than any curse, and more deadly than any torture known to Wizard or Muggle kind. It can destroy whole civilizations, or give birth to new ones. Love is the most powerful thing on this planet, whether used for good or evil, or none at all. I always thought that a life without knowing love would not be a life I want to live, but now that I know how love feels, I'm beginning to think that I'd rather live without it.

_A world full of killing,_

_And blood spilling.._

_My world never came... _

            I'll never forget, one night in sixth year, I woke up to the sound of him crying. When I looked over, he was curled up on his bed and he looked so fragile, so alone. I went to him and gently laid my hand on his shoulder. When he looked at me, those eyes, they were so sad. I held him so close to me that night, and gently rocked him, rubbing his back. He asked me that night to protect him, to save him from all the death that surrounded his life. I promised him. I promised him I would. It's funny how easily people can forget things like that. I thought... that night... that I was a hero, if only for that short period of time, and that he'd never forget it. I was wrong. Now that the death surrounding his life has seemed to end, I have nothing for him. Nothing whatsoever.

_Now that the world isn't ending, _

_It's love that I'm sending to you..._

_It isn't the love of a hero..._

_And that's why I fear it won't do. _

            The stars are bright tonight, the clouds have all cleared. I wonder where the angels go when the clouds disappear...

_And they're watching us..._

            Do you think they still see me? Do you think they can hear me when I speak to them? 

_They're watching us..._

            Do you think they'll catch me if I fall?

_As we all fly away..._

Falling Forever,

Ron Weasley


	5. Bother: Journal Entry 4

"Bother" is © Corey Taylor and is performed by his band Stone Sour and can be found both on their debut album and on the soundtrack of the movie Spider-Man. The usual disclaimers apply, if you've read this far, I don't have to go into all of it again. :oP All Characters are © J.K. Rowling. And now, on with the show!

**__**

Bother

Why isn't anybody there anymore? Where have all of my friends gone? Why has everyone forsaken me the way they have? If anything, you would think that at least on would be there when I need them, but now it seems that no one gives a shit about me anymore. Maybe these feelings of being alone aren't really in my head after all, maybe everyone really doesn't want me around. As I sit here on my ledge outside the tower, The darkness inside me that has been growing for so long, it's beginning to devour me whole. My tears just keep falling, and I wish they'd stop. I wish I could just become numb. I don't want to feel anymore.

I wish I was,

Too dead to cry.

My self affliction fades.

Stones to throw at my creator,

The masochist to which I cater…

I actually asked Harry if we could talk. I don't know what I was going to say to him, but I just needed to know if he was still there or not. He told me he was late meeting up with Cho and that if he was late for another date she'd kill him. He asked if we could talk later. I just nodded my head. It used to be that he could tell when something was bothering me, when I needed to get something off of my chest, and he would always talk to me and make sure I was alright. Through his actions tonight, he showed me where his priorities lie. He showed me just how much he cared about me. "I have to go get laid, Can we talk later?" Yeah, best friends forever, huh? What a bunch of bull.

Hermione was the same way. When I asked her to talk, she said she was busy with her advanced Transfiguration homework and that it would have to wait. She did however ask me if everything was alright. I told her I was fine and that I just needed some help on my Potions essay. Seamus was off somewhere with Neville, so I just went up to my room. The tears shed didn't help me feel any better, so I talked to God. Somehow, I feel like even He's not listening anymore. Or worse, laughing at the hardships I'm going through, knowing that I'll be joining him soon.

You don't need to bother.

I don't need to be.

I'll keep slipping farther,

But once I hold on,

I won't let go till it bleeds….

I feel like I'm slipping away, and no matter what I try, I can't seem to catch myself. I'm losing who I was, who I am, who I was meant to be. Is this really what was meant for me in life? To slip down an endless downward spiral into the blackness that lay beyond? No one there to catch me anymore, not even myself. Is anything really real? Or has everything just been a dream? Every word a lie? What do I need to do to make it go away? To stop caring?

I wish I was,

Too dead to care,

If indeed I cared at all.

Never had a voice to protest,

So you fed me shit to digest…

It feels as if the world is laughing at me. I wonder if my parents knew that my life would be like this when I was born. As I walked through the halls after Double potions, the comments and insults of the Slytherins rang in my ears, led on by Draco Malfoy. I gave up trying to fight with them. The more I fight with them, the more they go on with it, pointing out every difference and flaw I have. I just don't have a reason to fight anymore. I know for a fact that if I listened to the feelings in my heart, or what's left of it, right now, they would be a hell of a lot happier… they certainly wouldn't miss me.

I wish I had a reason.

My flaws are open season.

For this I gave up trying,

One good turn deserves my dying….

I'm so sick of all of this. False friends, painful tears. This is what my life has become. As I sit here, I look to the clouds and ask the angels there if it's all been worth it. Seeing me dying slowly, eaten up by this pain that's slowly stealing my sanity. I ask them if there'll ever be anyone to catch me, if I'll ever catch myself before I hit the bottom. I imagine my hand grasping my own, holding on for dear life. I don't want to die like this, I don't want to die alone. My fingers are slipping. The bottom isn't too far away, is it?

You don't need to bother.

I don't need to be.

I'll keep slipping farther,

But once I hold on,

I'll never let go till it bleeds…

Why couldn't I have been born someone else? Someone like Harry, who has gotten everything he has ever wanted. Well, I know he'll never have his parents back, but everything else. Someone who loves him, someone to love, plenty of money in the bank, an adoring public, and the favor of almost every teacher in the school. Why can't I be that golden? Why was I even born? Why couldn't I have been stillborn, or better yet, not even conceived. I know people say life is unfair, but this goes beyond unfair. This is a fate no one deserves, not even Malfoy. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.

Wish I'd died,

Instead of lived.

A zombie hides my face.

Shelf forgotten with it's memories…

Diaries left,

With Cryptic entries…

The rest of the day, I walked around the school wearing a mask. A blank mask, showing no emotion. If no one wants to share my pain, why let anyone see it? I laughed at jokes at dinner, wore a false smile as I sat there with the rest of the Gryffindors. Even Harry smiled at me. It was nice to have his attention again, if only for a few fleeting moments before he looked back over to Cho's table. For a few fleeting moments, I was numb. A walking corpse wearing a zombie's mask. It was comforting to feel dead, if only for a little while.

You don't need to bother.

I don't need to be.

I'll keep slipping farther,

But once I hold on,

I'll never let go till it bleeds.

I can only hope, that when all is said and done, and somebody finds this journal that it will help someone else. Let them know, if they feel this way, that they're not the only one. Maybe things will get better for me, but I doubt they will. The mask of emotionlessness lasted all the way up till we went to bed tonight. No one saw through it. I wonder if they'll even remember me when I am gone…. And wonder why I acted like there was nothing wrong.

You don't need to bother.

I don't need to be.

I'll keep slipping farther,

But once I hold on…..

Slowly Fading,

Ron Weasley

I'll never live down my deceit.


	6. Walk Away: Journal Entry 5

"Walk Away" is © the Crüxshadows. Now, I would normally tell you what album the song is from, but unfortunately, I do not know this one, so you're just going to have to find it on your own. All the usual disclaimers apply. Not going to repeat. All chars and settings are © J.K. Rowling. And away we go…

**__**

Walk Away

__

In this fading image,

We'll carve our destiny.

Sometimes life is a cruel friend,

Sometimes that's what we need.

I figured out what I must do. I have to let him go. I have to tell him our friendship is over. I have to tell him I can never see him again, and to leave me alone. Why? Because it's the only thing I can think of to escape this pain. If I can just… get him out of my sight, out of my mind, I may have a chance at happiness. Even though it seems as though he's already gone, he's not, I still see him everywhere. Every time I wake up, when I walk thorough the halls, when I sit atop the Tower, even when I close my eyes at night. He's always there. I need a chance to be happy. I need a chance to be free. But, if it's the only way, why does just the thought of it hurt so much?

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I'll hold my eyes,

When the light comes in.

I'll sell my silence for a song.

Now I won't die,

If you walk away,

But I may not live.

All I can see in my head is the hurt in his eyes when I tell him, the tears running down his face. All I can feel is my heart breaking. I see him walking away, out of my life, in pain, in tears, and part of me thinks that it's just what he deserves for making me hurt so much. The other part of me thinks that I should apologize and say I'm sorry and just throw my arms around him and tell him I love him. I close my eyes at the images in my head and the feelings in my heart. If this is how I feel just thinking about letting him go, what will it actually be like to do it? And do I actually have it in me to do it?

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Now I watch,

As the rain comes down,

To purify this pain.

When mountains crumble,

And stars collide,

I am what remains.

I look out the window, and it's raining, but I can't figure out if the rain is coming from the sky outside or just from my eyes. The tears fall and fall, but offer no comfort. I feel as though the world around me is crashing down, my shoulders bearing the weight. Crushing me, smothering me. In the end, it isn't so. It's just me, sitting here, Feeling the pain inflicted upon me, the pain I am planning on inflicting on another. I know what it feels like to have a friend walk away, so why do I feel the need to make another feel it?

__

There are lessons,

That sadness can only teach.

There are things that we must learn…

I don't think I can do it. I've lost enough as it is, but to watch him walk away forever, to watch him leave in tears, would only hurt me more. I love him too much to let him go.

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Now I won't die,

If you walk away…

Trapped Forever,

Ron Weasley

__

But I may not live.


	7. Tourniquet: Final Journal Entry

"Tourniquet" is © Evanescence and can be found on their debut album Fallen. It's a great song, although a bit depressing. Pick up the album if you haven't already. All of it is amazing. All characters and settings are © J.K. Rowling. The usual disclaimers apply, Suicidal thoughts, angst, slash feelings, strong language, Etc. Enjoy!

**__**

Tourniquet

I tried to kill the pain….

I have tried everything I can think of to get rid of this feeling inside me, but nothing helps. All of my thoughts, feelings and dreams lean towards one thing… Death. It's the only releases I can find. I've tried cutting myself, hiding everything, staying away from everyone, but all of these do nothing…

__

But only brought more…

Nothing but make me hurt more, feel more and more alone. The pain eats away inside me, devouring me.

I lay dying…

Although it's a death of the spirit, not of the body. The Ron that everyone knew is gone, hell, the Ron I knew is gone. I'm an empty shell of who I once was. It seems that now, the only thing left to do is destroy this husk I have become.

__

And I'm Pouring,

Crimson regret…

Tears fall from my eyes to stain the pillowcase beneath my head as well as the pages of this journal, blood pours from open wounds , both outside my body and within my heart, to stain the bed clothes. I've finally hit bottom. There's no turning back now.

__

And betrayal.

If only I had someone left, someone I can trust, someone who'll listen. Anyone, even a Slytherin, would be better than spending the last few hours of my life alone. But they all are gone. And I hate them for it! This is their fault, not mine! They're the ones who have driven me to this… no… not they… her. If it weren't for that bitch Cho, I wouldn't be at the point I am now. This is HER fault.

__

I'm dying,

Praying,

Bleeding,

And screaming…

Inside my mind, all of these thoughts are dawning. My heart is screaming for someone to help me, while my mind is telling me there is no one there. No one cares about me anymore. Will anyone miss me? Will anyone even care that I'm gone? Deep down, I know the answer is no. no one will even spare a second thought or shed a tear for poor little Ron.

__

Am I too lost,

To be saved?

The bible says that people who commit suicide are damned for all eternity.

__

Am I too lost?

I wonder if it's the truth. I pray it isn't. there has to be something better for me than this.

__

My God,

My Tourniquet.

Return to me salvation…

I keep asking god to forgive me for what I am about to do, to please offer me some salvation in the afterlife. As He well knows, I don't have any in this life.

__

My God,

My Tourniquet.

Return to me salvation…

As it is here on earth, people have seemed to have forgotten me already. Is that what it will be like when I'm gone?

__

Do you remember me?

Does He even remember? Or am I so insignificant that even God has forgotten me?

__

Lost for so long….

I know I've been selfish, I still am selfish, but it's too late to go back. I've been wandering around the empty halls of my mind for so long, I don't think there's any way I can find my way from in the darkness back into the light.

__

Will you be on the other side?

Will you forgive me?

I can only hope that there will be someone on the other side to welcome me. That God can forgive me for this final sin I am about to commit.

__

My God,

My Tourniquet.

Return to me salvation.

My God,

My Tourniquet.

Return to me salvation.

If there was any other way, I wouldn't be doing this, but there isn't any other way. I have tried to find one, but that courtyard is all that is left.

__

My wounds cry for the grave…

The pain wracking my body begs for sleep. My broken heart longs to beat no more. The fear I have is overwhelming, but that too will subside as my body rests.

__

My Soul cries for deliverance…

I pray that what is torn asunder from my body by my death be delivered to play among the clouds with the angels outside.

__

Will I be denied?

God, can you ever forgive me for this? It's the only way… the only way….

__

Christ…

Your son died to cleanse the sins of the world. Tonight, I die to cleanse the world of my own…

__

Tourniquet…

Gone Forever,

Ronald Weasley

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My suicide.


	8. Hello: Life Begins Again at Hogwarts

"Hello" is © Evanescence and is from their debut album Fallen. I have taken the liberty of changing a few lyrics for continuity purposes. As are most of the songs on the album, "Hello" is a beautiful song and I highly recommend checking it out. All the usual disclaimers blah blah blah… you know the drill. Chars and settings © J.K. Rowling. On with the show!

**__**

Hello

Playground school bells ring again….

Classes had begun again at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but for one bespectacled, green eyed boy, the world seemed to be standing still. It had not sunk in yet that Ron Weasley, his best friend of seven years now was gone. No matter how hard everyone tried to convince him he had to move on, Harry knew that Ron was still there, somehow.

__

Rain clouds come to play…again…

The rain fell in heavy droves tried to move on from the tragedy that had befallen only the week before. The halls were quiet as the students moved from class to class, without the usual spirited chatter. The school had taken on the solemn tone of a monastery, and yet, within Harry's mind, he could hear guilty voices screaming at the top of their lungs. The noise was almost deafening to him. Ron wasn't really gone, was he? It wasn't his fault, was it? But, above all the questions posed to himself, one thing rang loudest. The sound of Ron's voice. His friend had come to him, asking him to talk, and he had brushed Ron aside for a quick snog in an empty classroom on the second floor with Cho. Why hadn't he listened to him? Why hadn't he been there when Ron had needed him the most?

__

Has no one told you he's not breathing?

It took all of his will to push these feelings aside, to repress the guilt he felt and silence the screaming in his head. He looked around the halls as he moved from place to place in hopes of seeing his best friend coming to join him, he saved seats in his classes for Ron, but the seats remained empty, unfilled. All of the other students watched him in pained silence with worried eyes.

__

Hello,

I am your mind ,

Giving you someone to talk to….

Hello….

"Has Harry gone mad?" Could be heard whispered amongst the students as they gathered in the Great hall for lunch. It was a valid question, for Harry had begun talking to Ron as if he were still there. The one sided conversation looked like that of a child talking with their imaginary friend. Even the Slytherins looked to the once famed hero with sadness in their normally uncaring eyes.

__

If I smile and don't believe…

Harry had not gone mad, however. In his heart, he knew that if he just believed hard enough, if he acted as though Ron were still there, somehow he would be. Even when Cho came over to see how he was doing, he was cold to her, distant, knowing that Ron needed him now and that leaving to talk to her would only make the situation worse. He was trying to make up for lost time, to reclaim what was lost, and to reconcile with the memory of his lost mate. Deep down, Harry knew Rom was gone, but he wouldn't let himself believe it yet.

__

Soon I know I'll wake from this dream…

The past week was a blur to him. Between reading the pages of Ron's journal and fits of tears, it seemed almost as if it were a dream, no, a nightmare. By the end of lunch, Harry was laughing and smiling with the manifestation of his lost comrade, and the trick he was trying to play on himself was slowly beginning to work. To Harry, it was almost as if Ron was truly there… as if he'd never gone away.

Don't try to fix me,

I'm not broken…

Throughout the day, professor McGonagall watched the boy, and worried about him deeply. When she saw him acting the way he was in her Transfiguration class that afternoon, she decided to approach him on his behavior. "Harry," She said, in a soft voice so the others in the class could not hear her, " I know Ron's passing has been hard on you, it's been hard on us all, but you have to try and accept the fact that he's gone. Come to my office after class so we can talk… I'm worried about you."

Harry responded only by looking at her with a smile and saying "There's no need to worry Professor, we're both fine."

She felt that if she pressed the matter anymore, that things could become embarrassing, so she left it at that.

__

Hello…

I am the lie,

Living for you so you can hide…

Don't cry.

It wasn't until potions class, the final class of the day that it hit Harry full force that Ron wasn't coming back. Professor Snape walked slowly up to the front of the room, not breezing in with robes flapping as they usually did. "It is my sad duty," He said in a somber tone, "to inform you that a memorial service will be held at 3:00 PM on Friday in the Great Hall for your classmate Ronald Weasley."

__

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping….

Hearing these words brought Harry's world crashing down as reality flooded his senses. No matter how much or how hard he denied it, Ron was dead…. And it was his fault. As the ghost his mind had created disappeared from his mind, his senses began to stop functioning. He did not hear another word the professor said, nor did he feel Hermione's gentle hand on his shoulder. As Harry's entire world fell down around him, and his body was overcome with sobs, Harry broke down.

__

Hello…

I'm still here.

In that single blinding instant, Harry knew that he was all that was left of what he and Ron had shared, and that his memories were all he had left of the boy who had truly saved his life…. And that he had truly loved Ron.

__

All that's left of yesterday……


End file.
